New Year’s Solutions


Every year, literally hundreds of hapless individuals around the world partake in the unfortunate ritual of making New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t doubt that there are plenty of things I could resolve to do that may improve my quality of life, including (but not limited to) limiting my spending, eating fewer Doritos, taking Lunesta less often, participate in more extra-curricular activities, blog more often, and shave my head.*

But, I know that none of these things (even those a la Britney Spears) will get done simply because a new year has started. No magic curtain rises to reveal a brand new, svelte, not-tired-or-ghostly-pale me come midnight on January 1st. I harbor no disillusions that the coming of a New Year will make me a better person.

But for some who need a bit more help, perhaps a few words of advice could serve the greater good.

Here is my list of New Year’s Solutions for a few of those in need:

Larry Craig – Take control of involuntary twitches of the ped-ic variety.
Brad and Angelina – Do some good with all that fame. Maybe help someone less fortunate…like an orphan or two?
Dog the Bounty Hunter – Two words: Charm School. Better stay away from Monique’s, though.
China – Quit making toys. Stick to grain and the occasional basketball player.
Michael Vick – Work on the transition from dog fights to doggie style.
Steve Jobs – Retire. Buy a fruit-shaped island where Macs grow on ultra-sleek and fashionable trees. You can afford it.
Owen Wilson – The mourning period is over: time to capitalize. A Will Ferrell movie and couple of Percoset will start things up nicely.
George W. Bush – …golly. I’ve got nothin’. He’s doin’ a bang-up job.

If all else fails, go for the head shaving.

*To save on morning prep time. Duh.


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